I’m in my 30s and so is my Pokémon
Yes. Pokémon will be millennials to me, no matter what gen they are.
So Kathryn and I wrote this piece as we were dealing with our existential dread and just general aging while also reminiscing about a time where all you worried about is how you beat the Elite 4. These are not the Pokémon we need but the Pokemon we deserve. What Pokémon do you have in your party?
Pokémon reimagined for your 30s
Back-Painachu
This Pokémon gets painful jolts of electric shocks in its back at random and inconvenient times. This electric pain has no explanation.
Gluten-whirl
It will lure you in with its endless swirls of delicious carbs, but once it’s gluten gets a hold of you, it’ll infiltrate your insides until there’s nothing left.
8pm-Drowsee-Alreadee
This Pokémon uses its psychic powers to make you sleepy as soon as the clock strikes 8, and you will always wake up feeling even more tired.
2-day-deliverio
Its targeted IG attacks get you every time and will make you say “why did I order this? Was i drunk?”
Pile-o-pepto
This Pokémon starts out cute with just one lil guy, but then it multiplies quickly until you can’t live without it. Its attacks are mildly effective against Gluten-Whirl.
Dead-plants-a-saur
Oh look, you killed another one! And another! And another! What’s wrong with you?
Overpriced-Latte-puff
Beware, this one will hit you with “You will never own a home or be financially stable” truth bombs. Also, this Pokémon never tastes as good as you want it to be and you probably could’ve made it at home.
Container-dude
This Pokémon will instantly transform your closet and make you wonder what happened to that fun-loving 22-year-old who drank four locos and puked in their underwear drawer.
Depresso
Does it feel like the days are just repeating themselves and the sad drum of time beats on and you might never be as happy as the time when you were 12 years old and playing Pokémon with your friends? No, just me? Anyways, this Pokemon was just kidding, haha. It’s a real jokester.
Your parents
These are not Pokémon, they are just your parents, Bill and Janice. But you will evolve into them…very soon.